I Didn’t Know What I Wanted To Do, But I Always Knew The Woman I Wanted To Be

May 20, 2021

I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get this. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll also know where a comma comes in.

The title is a quote by Diane Von Furstenberg and, in a time when I put ten different possibilities in front of me and just couldn’t pin point the one I wanted the most, knowing the woman I wanted to be made me reach places beyond the possibilities I thought I wanted, ignore the possibilities, therefore, and become more of who I really am. Connecting the dots helps to get to know yourself better, exclamations points are miracles and question marks are part of a lot of emojis.

Just like inverted commas are.

Every year, birthdays are opportunities to start over and the (exclamation) point is to stick to starting over every day, basically. You know, relationships. They all start fun and only become awesome when we work on them; the fun work, chillax, work is awesome when it’s fun which is not, in fact, work, so. Man, I missed writing. If only the notes in the kind of notepad that I have in my phone could go to a beautiful beach by themselves so that the sun could see them! They made it from me to the notepad once, who knows, maybe they could make it to the beach, one day. Today? Of course they could, everything is possible. Or, you know, to New York.

Just like I always miss dancing. Luckily, I am always dancing.

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself, because no matter what happens, you will always have yourself. I read it in DVF’s book, The woman I wanted to be, while all alone on a plane to my brother’s. It was the first time that I listened to the book. I love audiobooks narrated by the authors themselves. The second time happened on a road trip I took on my own, for a seven hours drive to and a seven hours drive from – on the same day – a factory I thought I was about to work with on big stuff. But you know what they say. You can’t do epic s*it with basic people sounds worse than what it means. Unlike DVF’s book that sounds just as amazing as it is.

I have, somehow, always nurtured this relationship, thinking that if I’m honest with myself, in the first place, I’ll be fine. Great, I had no idea this would turn into this, but hey. Any relationship that comes after is only a plus. The door must’ve been open, I’d started to write and inspiration came in without knocking. Just like people sometimes do, just burst into our lives. This is about being here now and being here now might be about drawing just as much as it might be about accounting. I have no idea what the latter feels like, but I hope it’s marvellous, otherwise, I believe everyone should, at least once, be an artist for a day or let a door open somewhere.

I believe we all are artists, I heard Madonna saying in an interview and it completely made sense to me. I loved it. I believed it was so and I guess I just didn’t have the courage to say it. But then Madonna said it. Yes! It’s about the human factor in a man or a woman, in the first place, mom told me in a conversation where I must’ve been crying because of one relationship or another.  I don’t cry, I’m not weak – in a funny tone, obviously. I cried, but then felt relief. The relationship with myself was only getting stronger. It made all the sense in the world. Dots. Dots.

Because I will always love Whitney, but I’m going to infallibly love love more and Whitney is love, but it’s the pain she’d been through that we could all learn from, it’s our Whitney, after all!

We’re all running all the time after an idea, a thought, this and that, but it’s the moments on the beach, on a random sunny April day, that coupe notre souffle (take our breath away and it is souffle, not soufflé). Can you feel the fresh spring sand on your feet? The wind in your hair? Only the day isn’t, in fact, random. It’s my birthday and, for my birthday, I want free delicious ice cream for everyone on the planet, at the exact same time, no side effects, no extra pounds.

What am I doing with my life? is a question I have heard a lot lately and, frankly, pretty often throughout my life; I like that frankly doesn’t have comparison terms. From friends and from myself, in my early twenties. Slowly but surely, the question had started to fade away and whenever friends complain about life, I find it hard to do the same. But please complain, you never do, don’t you have stuff you want to complain about?, a once close friend, quite many years ago, asked me after her complaining. 

I thought to myself, for a second, well, if I were to complain about the fact that I’d sent a hundred CVs into the world and nothing (I’d only later realised that I was just aiming in the wrong direction), that I’d written a whole article that is currently in drafts, therefore hadn’t even been posted anywhere for anyone to see, but it is, hey, hanging in the back of my mind like crazy, that I didn’t like the tone God knows what boyfriend (or friend) used in a discussion (that seemed like I was the only one really opening up in, anyway) or that, you know, I didn’t get to do my workout routine in the morning because I didn’t find the energy in myself to, then us meeting now would only be a continuation of the same old, before giving the actual answer: I always have stuff to think about and get done, I know I’m going to get the stuff done, I want to, so I will. Complaining doesn’t help me and will only negatively affect you in the little time we get to spend together, so... 

Or something like that, but maybe shorter. Or longer. It was during lunch, so this might really be it and I stand by my belief. As seen. I have always loved talking things into fruition, however! I love fruit, maybe that’s why. And doing things I truly want to spend time on. If it’s something I truly want to do, it never feels like a minute wasted, it’s just time well spent. Is this discipline? It surely sounds so and I thought I did not like it, but I surely do. Af.

Feeling safe to say anything is the key to saying anything is something I didn’t think of then, but am writing about now.

People love complaining. People would even complain that the Maldives have nothing special really. People… People are remarkable people. People’s unconscious, let’s say, intention to make you feel the heaviness that’s not even real might get you very far away from feeling your feelings for you. From love which is the only thing that is real. Boom, you stick to starting all over again, you work on it and start to become good at boundaries, all right!

You can see how you reacted in certain situations, then realise it’s better to not react. Not in the sense that you turn all cold and you don’t have feelings all of a sudden, of course, but in the sense that now you know that looking inside of  yourself is the best answer. In seconds, figure out the intention. What’s the best thing to say or do? Then say it or do it. Or both. It’s an exercise, a continuous awareness, but is there any other, better option? We’re only human and learning something new is always exciting. Fun. And then there’s the something we just know, it’s the something no one taught us, it’s the something no one can teach us, it’s just who we are. More fun.

The most incredible things are created under the pressure of not having enough time, seconds are all you need, sometimes. It pushes us to do things that we might not have the courage to do if time were infinite. But time is infinite and, therefore, our friend forever. Can you hear the stars twinkling?

Talking things into fruition like there’s no tomorrow helps, I’ll admit. Focusing on the goodness of life helps, too. The goodness of life and even of the one complaining in front of you, but here we go again, don’t lose yourself into that too much either, it backfires if you don’t pay close attention to how you feel. And all that jazz, all the time, yeah, surfboard, surfboard. Doing what feels right always feels like the s*it.

Moreover (moreover?!), no matter how much you say or do will still be not enough for someone who thinks is not enough anyway. Go figure, it’s precisely what they’ve been trying to teach you. Life is funny af.

When you don’t do that nasty thing that’s even draining you, it means it’s safe for you to anything and you’re simply sharing truths with another soul, with the whole world. Real conversations that happen over dinner, in the car, with the music on and everything, leaning against a pillar in the club, on the phone at any hour of the day for hours clear s*it out. Natasha, Inga, don’t say the word out loud until you’re grownups. And then there are conversations that don’t even need words to clear s*it out, pure energy is enough, is everything. Oh, but you’ve already said sex. So. 

I believe that clearing sh*t out is the sh*t to push things forward in the relationship with yourself and in a life lived together. Not easy s*it, but! But! You do find the energy if you truly love life, pure energy is enough, is everything, remember? You wish for an amazing life, don’t you? Are grateful for the amazing life you’re actually living, for sure. And this is how we become lighter.

The dots kind of make me think of puzzles. How they work, how the pieces only work together if they work inside of the same picture you can only see once the pieces merged perfectly. A puzzle suddenly seems like a work of art or something.

I’d like you to imagine now you’re there beneath the stars. Which, when you pause to think about it, actually you are. As you focus on the darkness right before your eyes, feel the scenes with glinting lights to emulate night skies, think about the things you cherish most and those you love, and then allow yourself to be embraced from up above. The power of the universe meanders through your mind. So, come with me and let’s see what the two of us can find. 

Dream With Me, Harry Styles

Harry Styles
Lights Up

Yes, I know.

We just have to figure out what that thing that we’re supposed to be doing in life is and do it. Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny, Lao Tzu. Not bad, huh? Question mark, oui, oui.

A random photo of Kate Moss I bumped into, a while ago, has the caption: There is nobody that’s ever really been able to take care of me. Johnny [Depp] did for a bit. I believed what he said, like if I said ‘What do I do?’, he’d tell me. And that’s what I missed when I left. I really lost the gauge of somebody I could trust. Nightmare. Years and years of crying. Oh, the tears! Doesn‘t this sound just as great as to love and be loved in return does? Or as Jamie N. Commons’ For Franca sounds like.

Jamie N Commons
For Franca

I often ask people what has been their favourite age to be in their life. The only people who ever say their 20’s are people who are still in their 20’s, is Paul Nizan’s famous quote.

Ten possibilities were just not enough in my twenties. It’s the infinite possibilities that should be considered at any age. You don’t stop from dreaming big or from getting to know the woman you wanted to be. Be who you really are. Doing the right thing, even when nobody knows about it, helps. Your personality meeting your soul does, too. It’s backbone meets personality meets soul and they all fall in love with humour. Shape your character. Saying this is cheesier than it is funny, but hey, I would rather cuddle, then have sex.


a. k. a. the word we think, but dare not speak: L-O-V-E, love.

Power is a
beautiful thing.

Hey, this is Cristina Pavelescu wearing a music cassette sweater, decoding (life) style and writing from wherever, yet always living in OZ, a world I invite you into. To smile in front of our screens (and live one day), put any kind of questions, answer in writing (or imagination) and marvel at fashion which is, in fact, style.


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