I Didn’t Know What I Wanted To Do, But I Always Knew The Woman I Wanted To Be

May 20, 2021

I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get this. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll also know where a comma comes in.

The title is a quote by Diane Von Furstenberg and in a time when I, myself, put ten different possibilities in front of me and just couldn’t pin point the one I wanted the most, knowing the woman I, indeed, wanted to be made me reach places beyond the possibilities I thought I knew about, ignore the possibilities and become more of myself. Connecting the dots helps to get to know yourself better, exclamations points are miracles and question marks are part of a lot of emojis.

Just like inverted commas are.

Birthdays are, each year, opportunities to start over and the (exclamation) point is to stick to it, work on it. You know, relationships. They all start fun and only become awesome when we work on them (the fun work, chillax, work is awesome when it’s fun which is not, in fact, work, so). Man, I missed writing. If only the notes in the kind of notepad that I have in my phone could go on their own on a beautiful beach and let the sun see them. They got from me to the notepad once, who knows, maybe they can make it to the beach one day. Or, you know, New York.

Just like I always miss dancing. Luckily, I am always dancing.

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself, because no matter what happens, you will always have yourself. I read it in DVF’s The woman I wanted to be book while, all alone, on a plane to my brother’s. It was the first time that I, actually, listened to the book. I love audiobooks narrated by authors themselves. The second time was on a road trip I took on my own, for a seven hours drive to and a seven hours drive from – on the same day – a factory I thought I was about to work with on big stuff. But you know what they say. You can’t do epic s*it with basic people sounds worse than what it means. Unlike DVF’s book that sounds just as amazing as it is.

I have, somehow, always nurtured this relationship, thinking that if I’m being honest with myself in the first place – and by being honest I mean sticking to the way I love being (growing), I mean loving the people that love being (growing) – I’ll be fine. Great. I had no idea this would turn into this, but hey. Any relationship that comes after is only a plus. The door must’ve been open, I’d started to write and inspiration came without knocking. Just like people sometimes do, burst into our lives. It’s about being here now. It might be about drawing just as much as it might be about accounting. I have no idea what the latter feels like, but I hope it’s marvellous, otherwise I believe everyone should, at least once, be an artist for a day (or let a door open here and there).

I believe we all are [artists], I heard Madonna saying in an interview and it completely made sense to me. I loved it. I believed it was so and I guess I just didn’t have the courage to say it. But then Madonna said it. Yes! It’s about the human factor in a man or a woman, in the first place, mom told me in a conversation where I must’ve been crying with sadness over one relationship or another. I don’t cry, I’m not weak – in funny tone, obviously. I was crying, but then felt relief. The relationship with myself was only getting stronger. It made all the sense in the world. Dots. Dots.

Because I will always love Whitney, but I’m going to, infallibly, love life more.

We’re all running all the time after an idea, a thought, this and that, but the moments that literally coupe notre souffle (take our breath away and it is souffle, not soufflé) happen on a random sunny April day while laying on a Summer towel, on the beach, with our Winter jackets on. Can you feel the fresh Spring sand on your (cold) feet? The wind in your hair? Only the day isn’t, in fact, random. It’s my birthday.

For my birthday, I want free delicious ice cream for everyone, no side effects, no extra pounds.

What am I doing with my life? is a question I have heard a lot lately and, frankly, pretty often throughout my life. I like that frankly doesn’t have comparison terms. From friends and from myself in my early twenties. Slowly, but surely, the question had started to fade away and whenever friends complain, I find it hard to do the same. But please complain, you never do, don’t you have stuff you want to complain about?, a once close friend, quite many years ago, asked me after her complaining. I thought to myself, for a second, well, if I start now to complain about the fact that I’d sent a hundred CVs into the world and nothing (I’d only later realized that I was just aiming in the wrong direction), that I’d written a whole article that is currently in drafts, therefore hadn’t even been posted anywhere for anyone to see, but it is, hey, hanging in the back of my mind like crazy, that I didn’t like the tone God knows what boyfriend (or friend) used in a discussion (that seemed like I was the only one really opening up in, anyway) or that, you know, I didn’t get to do my workout routine in the morning because I didn’t find the energy in myself to, then us meeting now would only be a continuation of the same old, before giving the actual answer: I always have stuff to get done and think about, I know I’m going to get the stuff done, I want to, so I will. Complaining doesn’t help me and will only negatively energize you in the little time we get to spend together, so... Or something like that, but maybe shorter. Or longer. It was during lunch, so this might, really, be it and I stand by my belief. As shown. Talking things into fruition, however… this I love! I love fruit, maybe that’s why. And doing things I truly want to spend time on. If it’s something I truly wanted to do, then it never feels like a minute wasted, just time well spent. Is this discipline? It surely sounds so and I thought I did not like it, but I surely do. Af.

People love complaining. People would even complain that the Maldives have nothing special really. People… People are remarkable people.

Real conversations, on the other hand – that happen over dinner, in the car, with the music on and everything, leaning against a pillar in the club (talking about everything), over the phone, at any hour of the day for hours, or conversations that don’t even need words to clear s*it (Natasha, Inga, don’t say the word out loud until you’re very grown up) out, just telepathy, or conversations that only happen between two couples of eyes, no mouths, no ears, lol (at other times, two mouths are mandatory, both couple of ears, too), do clear s*it (oh, but you’ve already said sex, so) out. I believe that clarifying shit is the shit to push things forward in the relationship with ourselves and, only after, in a life lived together. Not easy shit, but! But! You do find the energy if you truly love life, wish for an amazing life and are grateful for the amazing life you’re, actually, living already. And this is how we become lighter.

The dots kind of make me think of puzzles. How they work, how the pieces only work together if they work together inside the picture you can (only after it’s done) look at from afar and see how beautiful it really is. I’m talking like a puzzle is a piece of art or something, but you know what, don’t you think that it is? You can see how you reacted in certain situations, then realize it’s better not to react even. Not in the sense that you’re now all cold and don’t have feelings, of course, but in the sense that you should first see inside yourself why, see what’s the best thing to do and do it. In fractions of seconds, figure out the intention. It’s an exercise, a continuous awareness, but is there any other, better option? We’re only human and learning new stuff is always exciting. Fun. And then there’s the stuff we just know, no one taught us, no one can teach us, it’s just who we are. More fun.

Being competitive with yourself is fun.

On occasion, the most incredible things are created under the pressure of not having enough time. It pushes us to do things that we may not have had the courage to do if time were infinite. But time is infinite and, therefore, our friend forever. Can you hear the stars twinkling?

I’d like you to imagine now you’re there beneath the stars. Which, when you pause to think about it, actually you are. As you focus on the darkness right before your eyes, feel the scenes with glinting lights to emulate night skies, think about the things you cherish most and those you love, and then allow yourself to be embraced from up above. The power of the universe meanders through your mind. So, come with me and let’s see what the two of us can find.

We just have to figure out what that thing that we’re supposed to be doing is in life and do it. Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny, Lao Tzu. Not bad, huh? Question mark, oui, oui.

Harry Styles
Lights Up

Yes, I know.

A random photo, of Kate Moss, I bumped into, a while ago has the caption: There is nobody that’s ever really been able to take care of me. Johnny [Depp] did for a bit. I believed what he said, like if I said ‘What do I do?’, he’d tell me. And that’s what I missed when I left. I really lost the gauge of somebody I could trust. Nightmare. Years and years of crying. Oh, the tears!

Doesnt this sound as great as to love and be loved in return does? Even when it gets sad, if it gets sad, it doesnt have to, knowing that we loved and were loved in return is what I believe this next song sounds like. Regardless of the ending. I stopped, however, watching romantic movies with sad endings. I’m too big of a romantic to not have switched to happy endings.

Jamie N Commons
For Franca

I often ask people what has been their favorite age to be in their life. The only people who ever say their 20’s are people who are still in their 20’s, is French philosopher Paul Nizan’s famous quote.

Ten possibilities were just not enough in my twenties. It’s the infinite possibilities that should be considered at any age. We don’t stop from dreaming big or from getting to know the woman/man/etc we want to be and be more of that, be more of who we really are. Doing the right thing, even when nobody knows about it, helps. Your personality meeting your soul does, too. It’s backbone meets character meets personality meets soul and they all fall in love with humour. Saying this is cheesier than it is funny, but hey, I would rather cuddle then have sex.


a. k. a. the word we think, but dare not speak: L-O-V-E, love.

Power is a
beautiful thing.

Hey, this is Cristina Pavelescu wearing a music cassette sweater, decoding (life) style and writing from wherever, yet always living in OZ, a world I invite you into. To smile in front of our screens (and live one day), put any kind of questions, answer in writing (or imagination) and marvel at fashion which is, in fact, style.


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