I Didn’t Know What I Wanted To Do, But I Always Knew The Woman I Wanted To Be

May 20, 2021

I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get this.

The quote in the title is Diane Von Furstenberg’s and in a time when I, myself, put ten different possibilities in front of me and just couldn’t pin point the one I wanted most, knowing the woman I, indeed, wanted to be made me reach places beyond the possibilities I thought I knew about, ignore the possibilities and become more of myself. Connecting the dots helps to know yourself better, exclamations points are miracles and question marks are part of a lot of emojis.

Just like inverted commas are.

Birthdays are, each year, opportunities to start over and the (exclamation) point is to stick to it, work on it. You know, relationships. They all start fun and only become awesome when we work on them (the fun work, chillax, work is awesome when it’s fun which is not, in fact, work, so). Man, I missed writing. If only the notes in the kind of notepad that I have in my phone could go on their own on a beautiful beach and let the sun see them. They got from me to the notepad once, who knows, maybe they can make it to the beach one day. Or, you know, New York.

Just like I always miss dancing. Luckily, I am always dancing.

The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself, because no matter what happens, you will always have yourself. I read it in DVF’s The woman I wanted to be book while, all alone, on a plane to my brother’s. This was the first time I listened, actually, to the book. The second time was on a road trip I took on my own, for a seven hours drive to and a seven hours drive, on the same day, from a factory I thought I would collaborate with on big stuff. You know what they say. You know what can’t do epic s*it with basic people sounds worse than what it means, unlike DVF’s audiobook, narrated by the author herself, that sounds just as amazing as it is.

I, somehow, always nurtured this relationship, thinking that if I’m being honest with myself in the first place (and by being honest I mean sticking to me being how I love myself being, lively growing, how I love the people that are lively growing while being truly themselves), I’ll be fine. Great. I had no idea this would have turned into this, but hey. Any relationship that comes after is only a plus. The door must have been open, I’d started to write and, then, inspiration came without knocking. Just like people sometimes do, straight into our lives. It is about being here now. It might be about drawing just as much as it might be about accounting. I have no idea what the latter feels like, but I hope it’s the same, otherwise I believe everyone should, at least once, be an artist for a day (or let a door here and there open, anyway). I believe we all are [artists], I heard Madonna saying in an interview and it completely made sense to me. I loved it. I believed it was so and I guess I just didn’t have the courage to say it. But then Madonna said it. One has to be human, in the first place, mom told me in a conversation where I must have been crying with sadness over one relationship or another. I don’t cry, I’m not weak – in funny tone, obviously. I was crying, but then felt relief. The relationship with myself was going strong. It made all the sense in the world. Dots. Dots.

Because I will always love Whitney, but I am going to, infallibly, love life more.

We are all running all the time after an idea, a thought, this and that, but the moments that literally coupe notre souffle (take our breath away and it is souffle, not soufflé) happen on a random sunny April day while laying on a Summer towel on the beach with our Winter jackets on. Can you feel the fresh Spring sand on your (cold) feet? The wind in your hair? Only the day isn’t, in fact, random. It’s my birthday.

For my birthday, I want free delicious ice cream for everyone, no side effects, no extra pounds.

What am I doing with my life? is a question I’ve heard lately and, frankly, pretty often throughout my life. From friends and – it’s a good thing frankly doesn’t have comparison terms – from myself in my early twenties. Slowly, but surely, the question had started to fade away and whenever friends complain, I find it hard to do the same. But please complain, you never do, don’t you have stuff you have to complain about?, a once close friend, quite many years ago, asked me after her complaining and I thought to myself, in two seconds, well, if I start now to complain about the fact that I’d sent a hundred CVs in the world and nothing (I’d only later realized that I was just aiming in the wrong direction), that I’d written a whole article on my website, is currently in drafts, therefore hadn’t even been posted anywhere for anyone to see, but it is, hey, hanging in the back of my mind like crazy, that I didn’t like the tone God knows what boyfriend (or friend) used in a discussion (that seemed like I was the only one really opening up in anyway) or that, you know, I didn’t get to do my workout routine in the morning because I didn’t find the energy in myself to, then us meeting now would only be a continuation of the same old, before giving the actual answer: I always have stuff to get done and think about, I know I’m going to get the stuff done, I want to, so I will. Complaining doesn’t help me and will only negatively energize you in the little time we get to spend together, so... Or something like that, but maybe shorter. Or longer. It was during lunch, so this might, really, be it and I stand by my belief. As shown. Talking things into fruition, however… this I love! I love fruit, maybe that’s why. And doing things I, truly, want to spend time on. If it’s something I, truly, wanted to do, then it never feels like a minute wasted, just time well spent. Is this discipline? It surely sounds so and I thought I did not like it, but I, surely, do. Af.

People love complaining. People would even complain that the Maldives have nothing special really. People… People are remarkable people.

Real conversations, on the other hand – that happen over dinner, in the car, with the music on and everything, leaning against a pillar in the club (talking about everything), over the phone, at any hour of the day of the day for hours, or conversations that don’t, even, need words to clear shit (Natasha, Inga, don’t say the word out loud until you are very grown up) out, just telepathy, or conversations that only happen between two couples of eyes, no mouths, no ears, lol (at other times, two mouths are mandatory, both couple of ears, too), do clear shit (oh, but you have already said sex, so) out. I believe that clarifying shit is the shit to push things forward in the relationship with ourselves and, only after, in a life lived together. Not easy shit, but! But! You do find the energy if you truly love life, wish for an amazing life and are grateful for the amazing life you’re, actually, living already. And this is how we become lighter.

The dots kind of make me think of puzzles. How they work, how the pieces only work together if they work together inside the picture you can (only after it’s done) look at from afar and see how beautiful it really is. I’m talking like a puzzle is a piece of art or something, but you know what, don’t you think that it is? You can see how you reacted in certain situations, then realize it’s better not to react even. Not in the sense that you’re now all cold and don’t have feelings, évident, but in the sense that you should first see inside yourself why, see what is the best thing to do and do it. In fractions of seconds, figure out the intention. It’s an exercise, even within the deep relaxation, a continuous awareness, but is there any other, better option? We are only human and learning new stuff is always exciting. Fun. And then there’s the stuff we just know, no one thaught us, no one can teach us, it’s just who we are. More fun.

Being competitive with yourself is fun.

On occasion, the most incredible things are created under the pressure of not having enough time. It pushes us to do things that we may not have had the courage to do if time were infinite.

I’d like you to imagine now you’re there beneath the stars. Which, when you pause to think about it, actually you are. As you focus on the darkness right before your eyes, feel the scenes with glinting lights to emulate night skies, think about the things you cherish most and those you love, and then allow yourself to be embraced from up above. The power of the universe meanders through your mind. So, come with me and let’s see what the two of us can find.

We just have to figure out what that thing is that we’re supposed to be doing in life and do it. Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny. Not bad, huh? Question mark, oui, oui.

Harry Styles
Lights Up

Yes, I know.

A random photo I bumped into, a while ago, of Kate Moss (my laptop and, really, every device of mine and not only, is full of pictures of Kate Moss and many of them have this famous quote of hers I adore: Kate, you can’t have fun all the time! Why the fuck can’t I?) has the caption: There is nobody that’s ever really been able to take care of me. Johnny [Depp] did for a bit. I believed what he said, like if I said ‘What do I do?’, he’d tell me. And that’s what I missed when I left. I really lost the gauge of somebody I could trust. Nightmare. Years and years of crying. Oh, the tears!

Doesnt this sound as great as to love and be loved in return does? Even when it gets sad, if it gets sad, it doesnt have to, knowing that we loved and were loved in return is what I believe this next song sounds like. Regardless of the ending. Although I have stopped watching romantic movies with sad endings. I’m too big of a romantic to not having switched to happy endings.

Jamie N Commons
For Franca

I often ask people what has been their favorite age to be in their life. The only people who ever say their 20’s are people who are still in their 20’s, is French philosopher Paul Nizan’s famous quote.

Ten possibilities were just not enough in my twenties. It’s the infinite possibilities that should be considered at any age. We should never stop dreaming big or getting to know the woman/man/etc we want to be and be more of that, be more of who we really are. Doing the right thing, even when nobody knows about it, helps. So does when your personality meets your soul. It’s backbone meets character meets personality meets soul and they all fall in love with humour. Saying this is cheesier than it is funny, but hey, I would rather cuddle then have sex.


a. k. a. the word we think, but dare not speak: L-O-V-E, love.

In your mailbox would be ideal, yet in your e-mail is pretty close, yay!
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Hey, this is Cristina Pavelescu wearing a music cassette sweater, decoding (life) style and writing from wherever, yet always living in OZ, a world I invite you into. To smile in front of our screens (and live one day), put any kind of questions, answer in writing (or imagination) and marvel at fashion which is, in fact, style.


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3 thoughts on “I Didn’t Know What I Wanted To Do, But I Always Knew The Woman I Wanted To Be

    1. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to hear this and am excited to have been helpful in any way. All the best and fun!

    2. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to hear this and am excited to have been helpful in any way. All the best and fun!

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