Every now and then say ’What the f*ck’. ‘What the f*ck’ gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future, said Miles Dalby to Tom Cruise.
Some movies seem to have been, intentionally, surfing through life only for you and them to find each other at the perfect time. Even my brother, in a conversation recently, was amazed by the fact that I hadn’t seen Risky Business and today is the day I saw it, for the first time ever. I, intentionally, softly and intentionally, refused to watch the trailer (as I usually do), kind of covered my ears whenever I sensed details about it coming towards them. Why hadn’t I seen it? No idea. The whole family, even, has always loved Tom Cruise. I, however, of course, knew about the dance. And those Wayfarers. That smile.
Incredible! There’s, also, a song, in Risky Business, that’s been following me since I was a kid. Whenever it started anywhere, I had a moment of tudududududududum, playing drums and everything. You know, when it’s up there. Tudududududududum. Playing imaginary drums, in my mind for sure, if not in real life, every time. I remember the last time it happened with the whole fam in the car. It was dark, but it was dark because the sun hadn’t come out yet, it was that early in the morning that we were heading to the airport to leave on vacation together. My brother was driving his car I really like – spaceship meets music studio – and the song started to, gently, invade it through the speakers. It was perfect. I interrupted the soft-spoken conversation going on (no one wanted to wake up anyone, although we were all up, up and tidy, on top, we all like tidy in the morning, and on top, alright, alright) and said Ooh, one of the most interestingly (or beautifully?) constructed songs ever. My brother looked at me, swiftly, in the rearview mirror, and, in a calm tone, said Agreed.
The song has haunted me just as it has, probably, haunted you, we live on the same planet. Or do we? Any time I heard In The Air Tonight, I thought – even if only for a rocket kind of second – about what I was feeling in the moment, basically. Tudududududududum, hands drumming the air, basically.
Had I seen the movie earlier on, the moment the song enters the movie would have, most definitely, entered my consciousness, even if only for a rocket kind of second. But, who is going to bring the moment the song enters the movie, in the moment, from now on? You with me? It’s the beauty of art. Vitality. Yum.
One might see, or hear, or live some of the most unexpected things, when parents are away on holiday. Are all the kids in the world happy when their parents are away on holiday and all the kids in the world know their parents are happy? I know I am, I know my brother is. And when a kid is happy and home alone, we all know that it can get legendary.
Or when one gets high on music.
Let your hair down, gurl is what it feels like Chino, my friend’s dog, wanted to tell me – as I was laying down with Jay, my friend, on the blanket, in the grass, next to some fairy tale trees, in full summer – every time she started to check me out from a distance, circle me around, almost whistling innocently while at it, and, as soon as she sensed I’d diverted my attention to something else other than her playfulness, bam, she, very smoothly, in a matter of seconds, would grab my hair, with her mouth, and pull the hair tie out of it, with her teeth. Like a pro, it didn’t hurt at all. It makes one, instantly, think of someone one loves stroking one’s head and the tingly thingies going on in one’s stomach. Chino made sure she left the hair tie where I could see it, though, she knew how important a hair tie was to me, I always have a hair tie around my wrist when a hair tie is not tying up my hair.
The other day, my friend Andreea asked for the hair tie I had around my wrist. I wasn’t using it. I missed a breath at the thought alone of being about town without a hair tie around my wrist, but then thought of just how much one wants to tie one’s hair and no hair tie is on one, oh no, so I gave it to her, wholeheartedly. In the breath that I’d missed, however, I came to my senses: 1. I’m heading home, I’m safe, 2. I just got a new bunch of these hair ties that I like, they’re the hair ties that last the longest, don’t break when I need them the most and don’t have any unnecessary artifice to them – can an artifice be ever necessary? The things you can buy versus the things you can not. Miraculously, hair ties, somehow, find ways to travel the world, hm. 3. The hair tie is matching my wrist perfectly, it’s that balance I’ve been, patiently, achieving, not too tight, not to loose. A hair tie that ties my hair perfectly, too. And boom, the hair tie is on a new trajectory. Interesting. And so am I, mwa!
A special sort of scream pierces through my awareness, all of a sudden, and takes my mind off of anything. I was already out on the bedroom balcony, in the sunset sky, when the scream matched the live painting unfolding in front of me. On a not so distant office building roof, a couple of seagulls were chirping so loudly it transformed into screaming. I could see their beaks, in profile, wide open, hear the scream and then, only for a split second, sense the silence, as their beaks, only for a split second, closed only to, immediately, begin again. They were screaming while, intensely, starring at their chicks learning to fly, in the not so distant air. Screaming that sounded like calling and calling and calling. And calling. As soon as the chicks landed back, next to their parents, the screaming stopped. It was fascinating. But then a chatter started. Love is constant communication and adjustment. Further instructions, chirp, chirp, chirp, and off into the sky the parents, then, flew. Almighty. Flying around in circles, above the roof, in the not so distant air. Flying. Flying. Guess what the chicks were doing, this whole time. Yup, screaming, their beaks, in profile, wide open while, intensely, starring at their parents, the whole va-va-voom. But in a very cute way, babies way. You could tell by their voices they were babies. Adorable babies watching their parents flying around. There was no one else in our spectrum. So peaceful, in the sunset sky. Birds living a healthy family life. The big seagulls landed back on the roof and a new round of chirping started. It sounded like they were encouraging the little once to fly along with them, because off into a flock they all flew, afterwards. Fearlessly, although we all know what that feels like, at first. Goodness. Haha. Chattering teeth emoji, but hey, we’re all flying here. The parents carried on screaming while flying. They must’ve wanted their kids to be safe, see their own way in life. It’s what it sounded like. Sweet talking, but very loud, in the sky. Sweet, but loud. Loud, but sweet?
Just like life keeps calling you.
Giving you options. The choice is yours. You’d better buckle up and get ready for the thrill. Laugh. Scream. Learn to fly. Into ecstasy. All that jazz. Kind of like driving. Sometimes, you’re with a bunch of people, sometimes you’re with someone, in particular, but you are in it alone, for sure, too. First? Kind of like flying. A plane. Like Tom Cruise does. Flying planes, in American Made, or in every other movie he makes and then some. Sure, first, you have to make the choice to get in the car or not, to get on the plane or not. Either way, become a bird.
Every time you choose yourself, life throws a party for you. Is there anything better than you choosing your truth? Hm. Same. I mean, yes, there is. It is only getting better, all the time. Ha, not bad. It’s something that your souls just knows. I have seen bears before, in bright daylight, from the car, or, as a child, at the circus, but to hear a bear in his own environment, late at night, breathing almost next to me, on a full moon, was something my stomach has never felt before. Or has it? The soul is deeply connected to the stomach. It was 1:46am – I checked the time to, maybe, get an idea of what that something could be – when I, suddenly, woke up and stood up on my bum, in the bedroom, upstairs. The silence, in nature, is something already, but to feel this something in your stomach is something on top of something. The bear must’ve been chilling, in the garden next to ours, at the cabin in the mountains, I couldn’t see him, it was too dark, the kind of darkness you can, clearly, see the stars in, I didn’t want to, abruptly, cut it off with a flashlight. He was growling and making sounds I’ve never heard or felt in my stomach before. It was – I just can’t say terrifying – thrilling and peaceful at the same time. It was something something.
It’s funny how subtly another moment – I, so unexpectedly, lived – comes to my mind, in this instant. I laugh, a little, whenever I remember about it. So, it involved someone else, not someone else, in particular, but still, someone else. Morning, breakfast, beach, music, water, new people, a mix of everything in my mind, yada, yada, yada, but hey, beach, water, sun. So, a beautiful afternoon was turning into an amazing sunset, the view of the sea is always spectacular, and when the sunbeds facing the sun are comfy, too, the vibe has the potential of being electrifying and chilling, at the same time. I was feeling it, one hundred percent. But, due to yada, yada, yada, I was under the impression that I had to take care of… things and ended up living the potential alone is what might’ve sounded dramatic, but that’s the thing, dramatic is not my thing. Unless it’s, you know, romantic af. The things that I thought were mine to be taken care of not only were not mine to be taken care of, but, also, weren’t even things I liked. Well, that’s why they were not mine. There were, however, things I did like.
Sinking into the ease of a couple – chilling right next to the crowd of people I was with – I met, out of nowhere, was one of it. We talked about everything, went deep, flew high, we just were whatever we felt like, no bulls*it, no nothing. This out of nowhere has a sparkle on top. The cool lady and the cool gentleman were the little boat that detached me from the big boat I was on and took me to the sea. For a minute. I say the big boat, but what I mean is this beautiful – I didn’t even know the name of – hotel poolside. A pool high up on the island has a special effect, true dat. It was a beach day that rolled into things. But this is not the moment I, so unexpectedly, lived and laugh, a little, whenever I remember about it. I mean, this is one, too, but here we go.
Joel: Porsche. There is no substitute.
Miles: F*ck you.
We were on the big boat and, amongst the crowd I was with, there was this guy, this someone not in particular, but, still, someone. We all got high on music. But, of us all, he was the only one not to engage – at some point, at that perfect point – in anything that might have disturbed his peace, his living in the moment. I don’t want to, specifically, name what he felt in that moment. All I knew was that it was precisely what I felt in that moment. Felt. In my stomach. I had my sunglasses on, my body seemed relaxed, but something about that what in the air felt extra. Good. Complete? It’s not about that. It’s about a choice. A choice felt different. He chose himself. You do you, you choose you, same, is what we’re, definitely, talking about here.
It’s funny how subtly this moment – I, so unexpectedly, lived – comes to my mind, in this instant, because it happened in an instant, too, a couple of summers ago. I’d just withdrawn from the crowd, for a second. No, I was still in the crowd, but completely laid on my back, on the comfy sun bed. I gave in. Breathing, though. Looking at the sky, from underneath the sunglasses. The shadow started to feel so good. You know what a shadow feels like, on a July afternoon going into evening. Cozy was on my mind. I started to focus on the sound of the waves in the distant horizon and beyond. Closed my eyes. Stayed there. Slowly, leaned my head to the left. Slowly, opened my eyes only to see this picture that, still, makes me smile. Laugh a little. The aforementioned guy was so relaxed, probably the most relaxed guy in that moment in time, he was not that far away, he was just near, he was kind of in the crowd, but not really. A couple of large sun beds away from my sun bed, let’s say. But he was so far away into the universe. You know when it’s the real deal, you cringe when it’s not. He had his sunglasses on, too, obviously. Everyone had, but, hm. I instantly felt Oh yeah. Exactly where I was at. My every inch plus that extra one. He made his choice, I made mine, but it wasn’t really (really, really, really) mine, that’s the thing. Sparklingly, my soul has known things for sure, all along, and that’s the thingy thing. Not only to stay true to myself, but to live in the moment entirely, which is, in fact, same. Also known as passion for style, for instants.
Some might say that everyone entertaining everyone is living in the moment, some might say that the guy is, who cares what anyone says, anyway?
This is not about anything romantic, this is just human. Even if from a couple of large sun beds away. The guy and I did, however, intersect, later on, as we were kind of facing each other, at the big dinner table. Couples, couples, yay, yes, but when you’re in a couple you feel alone, it gets weird. Feelings start to feel contradictory. Yada, yada, yada. Good times mixed with really weird vibes, a mix of everything, as mentioned above. Something felt terrifyingly wrong. I was telling myself that I was fine, on the outside, yet something – also known as soul, so, you’re f*cked, extraordinarily, you’re safe, regardless of the circumstances, success – made me realise that I wasn’t, in fact, truly, on the inside. That extraordinarily is so, so sweet, whew. I’d decided, as soon as I opened my eyes on this planet is what it feels like, not to compartmentalise and, so, to appreciate that everyone’s doing their best. A little extreme, I know, but this is how we learn. It only starts to make sense the instant you see how you feel when you match whoever’s best. You need to see. Fabulous or not, simple. Does your inside match the outside? Romantic af.
Anyway. This guy was still wearing his sunglasses, at the dinner table. We, indeed, could, still, see the sun, in the distant horizon. You know how orangey and red the sun turns, around 9, how all the blues, and pinks, and a little bit of purple, and, maybe, some cotton candy clouds paint the sky, and they all sink into the sea, and we can see the stars, again, the moon… All I could think about, aside from the beauty of it all, was Uh, man, I’d love to have my sunglasses on now… I even snapped my fingers, as I laughed about the beauty of it all. On the inside! Uh, my soul! It felt good to know that, at least, he had his on and, at least, I had the champagne silk dress I made for myself on. Yes! So, some really weird things were going on at the table and I believe he noticed them. He was so relaxed in his chair. I thought I was, too. I was doing my best to match the beauty of it all and nothing else, to match my chair, but when someone sees the truth, no matter what, a breeze joins the table. Are you still high?, he asked me, out of nowhere. In the warmest, coolest tone. It felt like an Are you ok? that came through as a trustworthy You are fine, chillax. It was the first time, that day, that I made the conscious choice not to care about anything else and, peacefully, but thrillingly, said Af that felt like a trustworthy Thanks.
Coming forward from the heart is what breaks through and it is what makes my heart skip a beat. If it’s not coming from the heart, I feel it, too. Balloons everywhere help, but it’s coming from the heart that strips off any barriers. Seeing someone for who they are is both thrilling and peaceful. It’s your choice, afterwards. It’s your choice, in every instant. It feels like we’re just getting started here, over and over again, but this is what life is all about. So. Flying. Work in progress. Fun!
Isn’t peace of mind – a subtle power – so sexy? It just smittens you. Sometimes instantly, just like it did in childhood. At other times, right in the eye of the storm. You feel something. Something that’s so personal, it becomes universal. That’s why the guy from above, in that instant, was so far away into the universe. I don’t know, to the day, anything about him, but that’s another thing I like to stumble across, over and over again. I don’t have to. It’s what it feels like, in the moment, that has the potential of a good moment. I wrote Complete? earlier. Truly satisfied just came to mind. Same. And so did Womack & Womack’s Candy World. I read somewhere that butterflies, fireflies and ladybugs are sacred. I believe that’s why. It’s the loooooooove!
If you can’t say it, you can’t do it.