And when I say we’re all made of stardust, I mean the bees, also, of course, so imagine what it felt like when the paper bag I was carrying a big jar, made of glass, full of honey in broke and so did the big jar, made of glass, full of honey. A feeling like no other. Despair. I knew that one honey bee produces one 12th of a teaspoon in its entire lifetime – 36 days in peak summer to 3-4 months in winter. This equates to 12 bees producing a single teaspoon. Hundreds of teaspoons on the concrete garage floor and thousands of bees who worked like crazy to create this moment, somewhere in the ether. Close to ethereal. I know, right? Obsession versus possession, bees know they’re in this until the end of time. When the work is done, it is forgotten, that is why it lasts forever is an ancient text bees are here to claim.
I liked yellow for a reason, but then again, I like all the colours. So. So, it’s yellow’s time. The whole va-va-voom of a bee’s style is of interest to me every time I see one. I’m wearing, as we speak, a yellow jumper. So. Lots of Sos, lots of clear, blue sky. Feels like honey, oh man, see? And we can’t help but fall in love with life just a little bit more.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hundreds of teaspoons very, very slowly flowing towards the driver’s tyre. I knew the paper bag was strong enough to carry the things that needed to be carried from the house to the car and vice-versa, but, sometimes, no matter how sure or aware you are, things just happen. To stir up one other thing or two. The feeling I had in the moment kept on flashing images, the whole day and the day after it, of a sweet, sweet bee flying around, doing her thing, licking all that nectar from the flowers, flying back to the beehive, carefully passing it, mouth-to-mouth, to another bee, the nectar becoming honey, honey being pushed into wax beautiful chambers and all that jazz in my head. My heart broke. It’s not about fault or anything like that, it’s never that, but I just felt sad.
You know when you both feel like crying and smiling at the same time? You know, for sure, when something doesn’t feel right, but in a matter of seconds, the keys to the house were in honey, the car key was in honey, anything I touched was in honey, so the light started to come out. Honey all over the place, aw. There was, obviously, no way for me to save any of it, it’s honey mixed with glass, such a painful sight. It was a big, big jar. I, still, haven’t managed to completely clean the floor. I smile and sigh every time I get out of the car and see the honey stuck on the tyre, after trying to avoid the crime scene and parking. I even touched the tyre just to see what it feels like. Honey on a tyre, now that’s an unexpected combo. Sticky, but, you know, on a tyre. My hand is sticky again, then, again, the keys, the phone, the bag, I gently rub my palms together, but nope, still sticky. I don’t touch much in the elevator, but, still, I grab the door handle and here we go, some honey here, too. Again. Honey all over the place, I’m telling you.
When stuff breaks, you clean stuff and that’s that, but you see, with honey it’s different. You can’t wipe it with tissues, I tried. Is this a wink to the past? If something’s standing in the way of you feeling wholly secure within yourself, a time will come when clarity will become the thunderstorm that will swoosh everything in your stomach. Just to make sure.
What is when someone you care about hurts you in the very place they know hurts you the most called? They know the place, they were around when it hurt you like crazy, when it was someone else who wanted to deliberately hurt you and you – what is this called? – jumped at the call, no guard, no nothing. You’re all in, you like it hardcore just as much as you like it soft. It might sound like we’re talking about you know what, maybe we are, everything is connected all the time. You feel all the time, newsflash, just as the world goes round and round. Gravity glues you to earth every day, the sun rises every day, you can see the stars no matter what and, one day, you hear a song and it takes you somewhere only music can. You make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you order take out and it changes your life, says Meg Ryan in Sleepless In Seattle. You make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you hear a song and it changes your life.
Feel free to insert your own thunderstorm in here, you know you gotta be brave to be in love. You’re not scared of the overflow, waterfall is what you’ve always, secretly, craved, well, ta-da to me. It’s where I know I thrive, it’s the overflow that makes me focus in a manner that feels natural, happy, it’s a rhythm to it, just like there’s a rhythm to Seal’s Human Beings.
It’s this extra – some might say, I think it’s everything – that it is said not many people get to live. The space the wish for it comes from what is called a safe space?! I die. Pointing straight at your heart, it’s the love of your life. Fun, confidence, peace, you share them all, intimately. You can feel it in your bones even before you can feel it in your brain, you’ve always felt it in your heart, but, you see, the heart is so, so tenderly smiling, so subtle and mesmerising that we almost, at times, see it as too magical to be true and, yet, the heart is what keeps us alive. The E.T. kinda tenderness. The heart knows what feels right. Beat after beat, when you surrender to it, every cell is filled up with energy, with passion.
You know when you call your mom and sense that you’re on speaker and she’s with people? You know you can’t slip in the fact that you’re naked anymore. Not that anyone would see you, but, suddenly, the safe space takes the form of an aura, your aura, a lush dressing gown. Doable.
As opposed to as soon as Bohemian Rhapsody starts and you know you’re safe. Is this the real life? Every time. Is this just fantasy? Redemption arises in a mysterious way. Or whenever you see Robert De Niro in a movie and you know you’re safe. You can just be. Or anything George Michael anytime.
Another Chinese proverb says Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. Interesting. It reminds me of the idea that your nervous system will naturally feel calm around people with pure intentions and authentic energy.
You’ve always had this thing going on between your heart and yourself, but you didn’t point at it. It’s not that you didn’t want to, but, ironically enough, you chose to jump at other calls. Hm, now that I come to think about it, deep inside, somewhere, you just trusted your heart? Secretly? To do its thing? Sing? And then, one day, your heart is all you can feel. It did its thing! Goodness! It’s not just about climaxing, although when it’s in sync with what your heart has been telling you all along, it’s funny. It’s not something anyone can give you, you can’t buy it, make it, you can’t plan on it, yet all you know is that when you both are in it, you both glow, you’re both free. Maybe for the first time ever. Safe. Wild. You feel their every cell means fabulous and the world to you.
I’ve been in relationships I so wanted to work, twisted my brain in every direction to make it work. It felt possible, but you see, it only felt possible to me. A relationship that made me feel trapped and all I wanted was for it to work? I know, I know, nonsense. Why force anything when the stars just know better? A very fun kind of faith. And bam, you make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you meet someone and it changes your life bumps into your life.
The one you are in the actual relationship with might sense, unconsciously, what you’re going through, it’s unconscious for a reason, but their cutting themselves off might now interfere with what? Your cutting yourself off from true happiness? Uh-oh. As they know it would take a lot of courage they know they don’t have – they do, but you know what I mean – they start to project it onto you, pulling on your heart, compassion, everything that you are, only to keep you by their side. It’s what makes them courageous, in the first place. It’s you who’s drowning, in the meantime.
These might not’ve been the exact thoughts crossing my head, when I was going through the whole thing, but my heart was on it. It’s why I cried the whole way back home from the vacation with the one I was in the relationship with. No, no, I didn’t leave the relationship and elope, it was never about the someone and it changes your life what it was all about. It was about me. The head had to catch up with my heart.
We can only meet each other as deeply as we’ve met ourselves might sound bizarre, at first, but isn’t truth so, so sexy? So, where’s your safe space, what makes you courageous? You know it’s not someone else, you’re in the driver seat, but you also know you’ve just listened to Dire Straits’ On Every Street. A couple of times in a row. Any seat is great in great company, hair in the wind, not a care in the world.
A while had passed and I entered a relationship that took me even further from myself, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*****it – the heart kept on doing its thing, persevering, of course, it’s the heart, hallelujah – buuut it shot me back to me, back to the moment I opened my eyes on this planet, at a speed I didn’t see coming, but completely enjoyed. Obsession, when left unchecked, can become a destructive force that clouds one’s judgement and leads to actions that are not rooted in love, but in the desire for control and possession is what I know, for sure, happened to me. For me. The opposite of what desire means to me. Now, I can smell a hidden agenda from afar. I always could, it just was tough to trust my intuition, to trust. People intending on all sort of stupid stuff didn’t even cross my mind. It’s the in between where other people’s fears rumble around. Round and round. Instead of potential. Desire.
Paying attention is the key to spontaneity. To act on instinct and go with the flow. Say no. Thanks, but no thanks. Why choose someone who doesn’t want you to be your best? What is that? A sign. You became angry with the world that you’re, in fact, in love with, with the world inside of you, the truth, or, better said, with the fears inside of you that were not even yours to begin with, the lies, ooh. Versus someone who loves the you you love. Tough choice, I know.
You know where you started from. Dreams and morality had kept you going, but when you started to doubt what feels good (good, good), you stopped for a second. What?! Slowly, but surely, you spot it, whew, fantastic. We’re human beings and salvation always awaits us on the other side of the coin, you just gotta do the work. Unlearn a couple of things, learn more. Love is the transformative force that makes us feel secure and washes away all fears. Saying yes is simply too fabulous. Fabulous is here twice and this is not a coincidence. Three times, hi!
Getting off of that ship was magical in itself. My universe merged with the universeuniverse and I knew(!). Then, I bumped into a photo of me as a child. My cheeks are so high from the whole lotta laughing from the heart… The joy. I knew that it’s possible then just as I know today. So if you think it’s love, it is. And if you think it’s trust, it is, as King Princess sings. Duh, but you know what I mean.
For a second there, you might’ve felt hopeless, but not because of the relationships you’d been in, those feel so distant to you, it’s the hopelessness in your heart. Like your hands were tied. Good news just in! It helped you peel off the layers off of you, you couldn’t do anything about that either. Cool. Who knows. We only have one life, we’d better live it and go on that perfect date.
Everything was worth it, it got you to today. And today is a new day to start it all over again. Gravity might pull us to the ground, but it seems like another kind of magical, undiscovered by scientists gravity pulls us to want more, see more, discover more, kiss more, live more, love more, more, more, more, just like the song says.
It’s not about being perfect, of course it’s not. It’s about just being being enough. You can watch the seed sparkling from there. Someone who is home and adventure – a soul who calms you and drives you wild, not bad, heart, not bad.
Two kittens, around the house in the mountains, just can’t keep their eyes off of each other in a very funny way. The baby girl came first, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago. The baby boy has just come. Seems like out of nowhere, too. She kind of mixed subtly side eyeing with letting him eat from her plate and purring, tightly something next to one another, on dad’s lap, on the swing, in the backyard, on the evening of the day they met. They’re too young to be involved like that, they’re about six, seven months now and that, in cat years, must be the adolescence, right? Regardless, when they gravitate around you, you can’t keep your eyes off of them. They just are and like each other instinctively. Raw. On and on and on and on.
Ok, so I’d deleted the next paragraph, but guess what. Mom just called. You won’t believe the biggest news!
So, Loona has been around and, out of nowhere, remember, a baby tiger showed up. He was meowing and meowing and meowing, unapologetically, even Loona seemed to be confused. As soon as we touched him, played with him, held him in our arms, kissed him, he stopped. And started to purr. Loona was on the outlook for him, especially since she’s the only cat that’s the princess around our house. She’s relaxed, playful and on it at once, all the time. A Catwoman, but super childlike. Super protective. A real feline. And here comes another one. We’d been trying to call him Sun, Sunny, something, but our tiger, naturally, just kept on coming out.
Loona comes to the house every time we’re there. The reunion is always a delight. So, when we were gone for more, we talked to our lovely neighbours to keep an eye on her. They’d always had dogs and wanted one again, made a bed for Loona, aw, in their garage, decided to adopt a puppy, hooray. So, the news is our neighbours called. Our Loona is now sleeping with our tiger in their garage! And as if that wasn’t so special in itself already (our two wild kittens keeping each other warm), the news continued. …And with the two months old puppy as of last night! My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Preciously unprecious.
Remember when you were a child and you got beyond enthusiastic whenever something like this happened?…kidding, and you liked someone like that? Nothing else in the world existed kinda thing. When you can just be vulnerable and vulnerability doesn’t even cross your mind, you just are, no guard, no nothing, you give in and dance. Surrendering to the power of style, instinctively, transforms vulnerability into a superpower…that is why it lasts forever. Freja Beha Erichsen, photographed by Patrick Demarchelier, in the 2011 February British Vogue, is a testament to forever, guess why.
So, are you going to let yourself not feel safe or completely change your perspective and create the safety within you first? You know who you’re happy to share it with, no matter what’s going on and who’s around. You’re safe all the time. Anything other than that is stupid. And stupid is who stupid does, as Forrest says. When it’s stardust that you know you’re made of, how can you ever be satisfied with just dust?
Your cheeks are back to where they belong, so high from the whole lotta laughing from the heart. Is this the first time that you’re truly in love? Is this the love that you’ve always daydreamed about, cried over for years when you didn’t even know why you were crying? Your crying even transforms. When you’re [both] drowning, as David Beckham says in the Beckham documentary, that’s when you know it’s the real deal. It hurts so bad that it takes you to the moment you opened your eyes on this planet. Only to be reborn again. Is this the one? Well, feel the feelings, goddamn, so you can start to feel the joy already, who has time for negativity?
Who is the one you’d really like to be underneath the costume, on Halloween? Who is the one you’d really like to be underneath your costume, on Halloween? Eye to eye. You both just are, completely naked even if you’re in full costume mode on, you’re committed, that’s for sure, you just let it be, completely let go and have the time of your life. Hands in the air, everything.
When coming back from anywhere, on different occasions, on a plane or in a car, mom used to ask me if I missed home. I replied, nonchalantly, nope, every time. Then, one day came and I couldn’t stop myself from crying the whole flight back. I just couldn’t. Kinda shocked my parents. I did it on another flight back, too. On another one, again. Even I was confused. Amazed by the overflow. Wow. Waterfalls coming down from my eyes. I just didn’t care, I mean I did, but I just couldn’t stop, in the security line, on the plane, so I guess I just didn’t want to. The tears invaded the whole planet. In style, of course. The whole planet versus someone who knows you to the core. Kind of without asking, but figuring it all out. A single glance and they can see the entire galaxy doing its thing inside your eyes. It’s enough.
Now, home keeps on sticking to me every day. It’s all that honey that makes me feel like home anywhere. Goodness!
Just relax… Relax, then work, relax, then work, or both, or both, or both.