Aw.
And when I say we’re all made of stardust, I, of course, am talking about the bees, also, so, imagine what it felt like when the paper bag I was carrying a large glass jar full of honey in broke and the large glass jar full of honey along with it. A feeling like no other. Despair. I knew that one honey bee produces one 12th of a teaspoon in its entire lifetime and its entire lifetime means 36 days in peak summer or about 100 days in winter. (!). 12 bees produce a single teaspoon?! Hundreds of teaspoons of honey on the concrete garage floor and thousands of bees who worked like crazy to produce the honey create this present moment, somewhere in the ether. Close to ethereal. I know, right? Obsession versus possession, bees know they’re in this until the end of time. When the work is done, it is forgotten, that is why it lasts forever is an ancient text bees are here to claim.
I’ve always liked yellow, but then again, I like all the colours. So. So, it’s yellow’s time. The whole va-va-voom of a bee’s style is of interest to me, every time I see one. I’m wearing, as we speak, a yellow jumper. So. Lots of Sos, lots of clear, blue sky. Feels like honey, oh man, see? And we can’t help but fall in love with life just a little bit more.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hundreds of teaspoons of honey, very, very slowly, flowing towards the driver’s tyre. I knew the paper bag was strong enough to carry the things that needed to be carried from the house to the car and vice-versa, but, sometimes, no matter how sure or aware you are, things just happen. To stir up one other thing or two. The feeling I had in the moment, in the somewhere in the ether moment, in the close to ethereal moment, kept on flashing images of a sweet, sweet bee flying around, doing her thing, licking all that nectar from the flowers, flying back to the beehive, carefully passing it, mouth-to-mouth, to another bee, the nectar becoming honey, honey being pushed into wax beautiful chambers and all that jazz, in my head, throughout the whole day and the day after it. My heart broke. It’s not about fault or anything like that, it’s never that, but I just felt sad.
You know when you both feel like crying and smiling, at the same time? You know, for sure, when something doesn’t feel right, but, in a matter of seconds, the keys to the house are in honey, the car key is in honey, anything I touch is in honey, so the light starts to come out. Honey all over the place, aw. There’s, obviously, no way for me to save any of it, it’s honey mixed with glass, such a painful sight. It was a large, large jar.
I, still, haven’t managed to completely clean the floor. I smile and sigh, every time I get out of the car and see the honey stuck on the tyre. Nod, a bit. The attempt to avoid the crime scene, when parking, makes it all so real. I even touch the tyre, just to see what it feels like. Honey on a tyre is an unexpected combo. Sticky, but, you know, on a tyre. My hand is sticky again and so are the keys, the phone, the bag. I gently rub my palms together, but nope, still sticky. I don’t touch much in the elevator, but I grab the house door handle and here we go, some honey here, too. Again. Honey all over the place, I’m telling you.
When stuff breaks, you clean stuff and that’s that, but you see, with honey it’s different. You can’t wipe it with tissues, I tried. Is this a wink to the past? If something’s standing in the way of you feeling wholly secure within yourself, a time will come when clarity will become the thunderstorm that will swoosh everything in your stomach. Just to make sure.
What is when someone you care about hurts you in the very place they know hurts you the most called? They know the place, they were around when it hurt you like crazy, when it was someone else who wanted to, deliberately, hurt you and you jumped at the call, no guard, no nothing. You’re all in, you like it hardcore just as much as you like it soft. It might sound like we’re talking about you know what, maybe we are, everything is connected, all the time. You feel something, all the time, newsflash, just as the world goes round and round. All the time! Gravity glues you to earth every day, the sun rises every day, you can see the stars, no matter what, and then, one day, you hear a song and it takes you somewhere only music can. You make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you order take out and it changes your life, says Meg Ryan in Sleepless In Seattle. You make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you hear a song and it changes your life.
Feel free to insert your own thunderstorm, in here, you know you gotta be brave to be in love. You’re not scared of the overflow, waterfall is what you’ve always, secretly, craved, well, ta-da to me. It’s where I know I thrive, it’s the overflow that makes me focus in a manner that feels natural, that makes me happy, there’s a rhythm to it, just like there’s a rhythm to Seal’s Human Beings.
It’s this extra – some might say, I believe it’s everything – that not many people get to live – some might say, I believe everyone has the potential to. The space the wish for it comes from is called a safe space?! I die. Pointing straight at your heart, it’s the love of your life. Fun, confidence, peace, you share them all, intimately. You can feel it in your bones, even before you can feel it in your brain, you’ve always felt it in your heart, but, you see, the heart is so, so tenderly smiling, the heart is so subtle and mesmerising that we almost, at times, see it as too magical to be true and, yet, the heart is what keeps us alive. The E.T. kinda tenderness. The heart knows what feels right. Beat after beat, when you surrender to it, every cell is filled up with energy, with passion.
You know when you call your mom and sense that you’re on speaker and she’s with people? You know you can’t slip in the fact that you’re naked, anymore. Not that anyone would see you, but, suddenly, the safe space takes the form of an aura, your aura, a lush dressing gown. Doable.
As opposed to as soon as Bohemian Rhapsody starts and you know you’re safe. Is this the real life? Every time. Is this just fantasy? Redemption arises in mysterious ways. Or whenever you see Robert De Niro in a movie and you know you’re safe. You can just be. Or anything George Michael anytime.
Another proverb says Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. Interesting. It reminds me of the idea that your nervous system will naturally feel calm around people with pure intentions and authentic energy.
You’ve always had this thing going on between your heart and yourself, but you didn’t point at it. It’s not that you didn’t want to, but, ironically enough, you were too busy jumping at the no guard, no nothing calls. Hm, now that I come to think about it, deep inside, somewhere, you just trusted your heart? Secretly? To do its thing? Sing? And then, one day, your heart is all you can feel. It did its thing! Goodness! It’s not just about climaxing, although when it’s in sync with what your heart has been telling you all along, it’s funny. It’s not something anyone can give you, you can’t buy it, make it, you can’t plan on it, yet all you know is that when you both are in it, you both glow, you’re both free. Maybe for the first time ever. Safe. Wild. Free. You feel their every cell means fabulous and the world to you.
I’ve been in relationships I so wanted to work, twisted my brain, in every direction, to make them work. It felt possible, but you see, it only felt possible to me. A relationship that made me feel trapped and all I wanted was for it to work? I know, I know, nonsense. Why force anything when the stars just know better? A very fun kind of faith. And bam, you make a million decisions that mean nothing and then, one day, you meet someone and it changes your life bumps into your life.
The one you were in the actual relationship with might have sensed, unconsciously, what you’re going through, it’s unconscious for a reason, but might have their cutting themselves off interfere with one other thing or two? Just as unconsciously, you started to cut yourself off from true happiness. Uh-oh. As they knew it would have taken a lot of courage they knew they didn’t have – they did, but you know what I mean – they started to project anything but honey onto you, pull on your heart, compassion, everything that you were, only to keep you by their side. It’s what made them courageous, in the first place. It’s you who’s drowning, in the meantime.
These might not’ve been the exact thoughts crossing my head, when I was going through things, but my heart was on it. Always. I cried on the whole way back home from a vacation, a very long time ago, whilst in one of the relationships mentioned above. No, no, I didn’t leave the relationship and elope, it was never about the someone and it changes your life what it was all about. It was about me. The head had to catch up with my heart.
We can only meet each other as deeply as we’ve met ourselves might sound bizarre, at first, but isn’t truth so, so sexy? So, where’s your safe space, what makes you courageous? You know it’s not someone else, you’re in the driver seat, but you, also, know you’ve just listened to Dire Straits’ On Every Street. A couple of times in a row. Any seat is great in great company, hair in the wind, not a care in the world.
A while had passed and I entered a relationship that took me even further from myself, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*it, s*****it – the heart kept on doing its thing, persevering, of course, it’s the heart, hallelujah – buuut it shot me back to me, back to the moment I opened my eyes on this planet, at a speed I didn’t see coming, but completely enjoyed. Obsession, when left unchecked, can become a destructive force that clouds one’s judgement and leads to actions that are not rooted in love, but in the desire for control and possession is what I know, for sure, happened to me. For me. The opposite of what desire means to me. Now, I can smell a hidden agenda from afar. I always could, but I had to learn to trust my intuition, to trust. People intending on all sort of stupid stuff didn’t even cross my mind. It’s the in between where other people’s fears rumble around. Round and round. Instead of potential. Desire.
Paying attention is the key to spontaneity. To act on instinct and go with the flow. Say no. Thanks, but no thanks. Why choose someone who doesn’t want you to be your best? What is that? A sign. You became angry with the world that you’re, in fact, in love with, with the world inside of you, the truth, or, better said, with the fears inside of you that were not even yours to begin with, the lies, ooh. Versus someone who loves the you you love. Tough choice, I know.
You know where you started from. Dreams and morality have kept you going, but when you start to doubt what feels good (good, good), you stop for a second. What?! Slowly but surely, you spot it, whew, fantastic. We’re human beings and salvation awaits us, on the other side of the coin, you just gotta do the work. Unlearn a couple of things, learn one other thing, or two. Love is the transformative force that makes us feel secure and washes away all fears. Saying yes is simply too fabulous. Fabulous is here twice and this is not a coincidence. Three times, hi!
Getting off of the ship was magical in itself. My universe merged with the universeuniverse, and I knew(!). Then, I bumped into a photo of me as a child. My cheeks were so high from the whole lotta laughing from the heart… The joy. I knew, then, that it’s possible, just as I know, today, that it is. Possible. So if you think it’s love, it is. And if you think it’s trust, it is, as King Princess sings. Duh, but you know what I mean.
For a second there, you might’ve felt hopeless, but not because of the relationships you’d been in, those feel so distant to you, it was the hopelessness in your heart that was tearing you apart. Like your hands were tied. Good news just in! Anything that didn’t feel like the truth helped you peel off the layers off of you and you couldn’t do a thing about that, either. Cool. Who knows. We only have one life, we’d better live it and go on that perfect date.
Everything was worth it, it got you to today. And today is a new day to start it all over again. Gravity might pull us to the ground, but it seems like another kind of magical, undiscovered by scientists gravity pulls us to want more, see more, discover more, kiss more, love more, more, more, more, just like the song says.
It’s not about being perfect, of course it’s not. It’s about just being being enough. You can watch the seed sparkling from there. Someone who is home and adventure – a soul who calms you and drives you wild, not bad, heart, not bad.
Two kittens, around the cabin in the mountains, just can’t keep their eyes off of each other, in a very funny way. The baby girl came first, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago. The baby boy has just come. Seems like out of nowhere, too. She kind of mixed side eyeing with letting him eat from her plate and purring, tightly something next to one another, on dad’s lap, on the swing, in the backyard, on the evening of the day they met. They’re too young to be involved like that, they’re about six, seven months now and that, in cat years, must be the adolescence, right? Regardless, when they gravitate around you, you can’t keep your eyes off of them. They just are and like each other instinctively. Raw. On and on and on and on.
Ok, so I’d deleted the next paragraph, but guess what. Mom just called. You won’t believe the biggest news ever!
What?!
So, Loona’s been around and, out of nowhere, remember, a baby tiger showed up. He was meowing and meowing and meowing, unapologetically. Even Loona seemed to be confused. As soon as we touched him, played with him, held him in our arms, kissed him, he stopped. And started to purr. Loona was on the outlook for him, especially since she’s the only cat that’s the princess around our house. She’s relaxed, playful and on it, at once, all the time. A Catwoman, but super childlike. Super protective. A real feline. And here comes another one. We’d been trying to call him Sun, Sunny, something, but our tiger, naturally, just kept on coming out.
Loona comes to the house every time we’re there. The reunion is always a delight. So, when we were gone for more, we talked to our lovely neighbours to keep an eye on her. They’d always had dogs and wanted one again, made a bed for Loona, aw, in their garage, decided to adopt a puppy, hooray. So, the news is our neighbours called. Our Loona is now sleeping with our tiger, in their garage! And as if that wasn’t so special in itself already, our two wild kittens keeping each other warm, aw, the news continued. …And with the two months old puppy as of last night! My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Preciously unprecious.
Remember when you were a child and you got beyond enthusiastic whenever something like this happened?…kidding, and you liked someone like that? Nothing else in the world existed kinda thing. When you could just be vulnerable and vulnerability didn’t even cross your mind, you just were, no guard, no nothing, you gave in and danced. Surrendering to the power of style, instinctively, transforms vulnerability into a superpower…that is why it lasts forever. Freja Beha Erichsen, photographed by Patrick Demarchelier, in the 2011 February British Vogue, is a testament to forever, guess why.
So, are you going to continue to not feel safe or completely change your perspective and create the safety within you first? You know who you’re happy to share it with, no matter what’s going on and who’s around. Now, you’re safe all the time. Anything other than that is stupid. And stupid is who stupid does, as Forrest says. When it’s stardust that you know you’re made of, how can you ever be satisfied with just dust?
Your cheeks are back to where they belong, so high from the whole lotta laughing from the heart. Is this the first time that you’re truly in love? Is this the love that you’ve daydreamed about, cried over, for years, when you didn’t even know why you were crying? Even your crying transforms. When you’re [both] drowning, as David Beckham says in the Beckham documentary, that’s when you know it’s the real deal. It hurts so bad that it takes you to the moment you opened your eyes on this planet. Only to be reborn again. Is this the one? Well, feel the feelings, goddamn, so you can start to feel the joy already, who has time for negativity?
Who is the one you’d really like to be underneath the costume, on Halloween? Who is the one you’d really like to be underneath your costume, on Halloween? Eye to eye. You both just are, completely naked, even if you’re in full costume mode on, you’re committed, that’s for sure, you just let it be, completely let go and have the time of your life. Hands in the air, everything.
When coming back from anywhere, on different occasions, on a plane or in a car, mom used to ask me if I missed home. I replied, nonchalantly, nope, every time. Then, one day came and I couldn’t stop myself from crying on the whole flight back. I just couldn’t. Kinda shocked my parents. I did it on another flight back, too. On another one, again. Even I was confused. Amazed by the overflow. Wow. Waterfalls coming down from my eyes. I just didn’t care, I mean I did, but I just couldn’t stop, in the security line, on the plane, so I guess I just didn’t want to. The tears invaded the whole planet. In style, of course. The whole planet versus someone who knows you to the core. Kind of without asking, but figuring it all out. A single glance and they can see the entire galaxy doing its thing inside your eyes. It’s enough.
Now, home keeps on sticking to me every day. It’s all that honey that makes me feel like home anywhere. Goodness!
Just relax… Relax, then work. Relax, then work. Or both. Or both. Both.